10 Questions Google Thinks You Want Answered

Most of the time I write well-planned blog posts about important topics. Every once in awhile I just write whatever I find when I fall down the Rabbit Hole that is the Internet. Today is the second one. If you spend much time searching Google you will see that Google often “suggests” search phrases for you as you are typing. The phrases are supposedly based on common searches. We can’t know for sure what goes into that formula and if anyone at Google told us, they would probably have to kill us.

Sometimes when I start typing a couple of words, really strange things pop up and I think to myself “Surely people are not really searching for that.” (And don’t say my name isn’t Shirley…I’m well aware that it is Tricia). But apparently they are.

So today I bring you 10 strange things that people are asking and my not-quite-helpful responses.

How Do I Make My Butt Bigger?

Thanks for the softball! This I can definitely help with! First it starts with sitting right where you are and continuing to search for dumb stuff on the Internet all day. Second you need to throw in some carbs. A lot of carbs. I’m thinking Twinkies (they’re back!!), pizza, chips. If you are going to have chips, you’ll need salsa. If you are having salsa, you’ll need margaritas. Just keep repeating. Play on the Internet. Eat carbs. Play on the Internet. Eat carbs. Before you know it, your butt will be as big as you can possibly want.

Where Can I Bury a Dead Body

Woh. That’s a change in topic. Let me get this straight, Google. I’m more likely to need to know where to bury a dead body than to know where I can burn a CD or a DVD. I know that digital piracy is a big problem in our country. I did not realize that mob hits were an even bigger one. Disturbing.

Upon further investigation it turns out that this is a fun Siri trick where you can ask her where to bury dead bodies and she gives you funny responses. It’s not so funny when you ask Google and all of a sudden the government comes knocking on your door. You know they are watching you, right?

Who Was the First President?

Unless only kids under the age of 3 are using Google, no one should be asking this question. Maybe something like “Who was the first president to be assassinated?” or “Who was the first president to father an illegitimate child?” But not who the first president was in general. If this was your question, just stop reading right here. I can’t help you.

How Many of Me

While I am excited to see that 3 out of 4 people are interested in health information, I am worried that so many people do not understand that there is only 1 of them. In case you need some affirmation, here it is:

There is only 1 of you. You are special. There is no one else in the world just like you.

Does that answer that?

When Will It Rain/Stop Raining?

“When will it rain?” “When will it stop raining?” You people are never happy. Some of you can’t wait for it to rain. Some of you can’t wait for it to stop raining. Apparently the grass really is always greener on the other side. Assuming it’s raining. Which it may or may not stop doing soon. I’d say check the Weather Channel.

Teach Me How To Dougie

Of all the things you can ask Google to teach you, you want to learn how to Dougie? Great use of the Internet for educational purposes, people. And isn’t the Dougie kind of old by now? At any rate, if you really must know, I suggest that you watch this YouTube video. Explaining in words is too difficult. While I’m at it, do you still need to learn how to Twerk? Too bad. I’m not teaching you that. No one needs to be doing that.

What is Twerking?

Seriously? Didn’t we just cover this? Twerking is more important than the Illuminati, Tumblr, and Twitter? Oh, and all the rest of the words in the world that begin with the letter “T”“? Fine. If you really must know. See the video below. And then forget you ever asked.

How Often Should You Wash Your Sheets?

If you have to ask this question, it is probably too late. Go throw them in the washer right now. I’ll wait right here until you are done.

Seriously. Go wash your sheets.

How Old Are You?

Are you asking how old Google is? Google is 14–soon to be 15. How old am *I*? That’s kind of a personal question. I don’t mind answering it but my mom doesn’t like it when I do because it gives people a clue as to her age as well. So if you really want to know, you’ll have to ask my mom.

What Happens If….

Once again, the searchers of the world never cease to amaze me with their broad range of questions. Although the search suggestions are right next to each other, I’m thinking the actual results of 1) accidentally liking a photo on Instagram and 2) accidentally killing a person are QUITE different. Hopefully you won’t accidentally click the wrong result and end up having to search for “where can I bury a dead body” instead of “how to unclick the little heart icon.”

Now that I have wasted enough of both of our time, I’m going to return to my regularly scheduled, useful blog posts.

**Disclaimer** I do understand that some of these search terms are intentional because of quotes, phrases, and different pop culture. The post is supposed to be funny. Lighten up.