When I first started blogging, my biggest concerns were about potty training, free online math worksheets, and good deals on Gymboree clothes. Fast forward almost 10 years and I still have a lot of parenting concerns, but the stakes seem to be getting higher. Right now we are in the middle of “The Great Boyfriend Debate.”
I Had Boyfriends and Am a Hypocrite
I now have a teenager who looks like she could be 16, although she is only 13 and a half. I remember what I was like at that age. I started having “boyfriends” around the age of 10 or 11. By the time I was 13, I had played “spin the bottle,” attended a lot of boy/girl parties, and had probably “gone with” 10 boys.
I wasn’t promiscuous or a candidate for “16 and pregnant.” But I was boy crazy. And the drama was ridiculous. I’d “go with” a boy (that’s what we called it in the old days) for a couple of months and then one of us would break up. Then his friends would hate me and my friends would hate him. Then he would “go with” someone else and I would hate her. Ridiculous.
We’ve been very strict with our girls about the whole “boyfriend” thing. Basically, no “boyfriends.” No boy you text frequently (except as friends). No calling anyone a “boyfriend.” No pictures of you hugging boys on Instagram.
Maybe We’re Too Strict?
I spend a lot of time (probably more than I should) following my daughters’ classmates on social media. I know who is “dating” whom and who has broken up. I see the 12-year-olds having “movie dates” and parties in dark basements. We’ve held firm. No boyfriends. No dating.
Is there a harm in letting 13-year-olds “go together” like we did? On the one side, it’s pretty harmless when they are really only seeing each other at school or basketball games or maybe even a parent-supervised movie. On the flip side, I see how much my teen texts her FEMALE friends. Add a boyfriend to the mix and they may be texting non-stop until I pry the phone out of her hands.
One thing that I don’t like about what I see with the “dating” at this age is throwing around the word “love.” I know I did it. I even had a button when I was only 13 that said “I love Jamie” that I wore on family vacation. (I wonder whatever happened to him?) I see 12-year-olds posting on Instagram about the “love of their life breaking their hearts.” It seemed different when I was that age and I just cried to my BFF and ate chocolate and sang Joan Jett songs at the top of my lungs. Now the kids are putting all of their melodrama out there for the world to see.
When Are Boyfriends and Dating Okay?
Obviously all of this depends on the maturity of the kid. It’s easy to dismiss “crushes” at this age, but my husband was in 8th grade when he met me for the first time (and supposedly started the crush that would end up being our marriage). He was technically only 14 or 15 when he started trying to get me to date him, although he was 16 before we actually went on our first date (let’s not talk about how old I was). So the reality that these decisions can last a lifetime is there.
Maybe the “going together” is different than the actual “dating” and the “going together” helps test the waters for the “dating” years that will not come until later?
What do you think, based on your experience having been a teenager or having teenagers of your own? Is it different for boys than for girls?
I say go for it! I mean it is also a test to see if they are mature enough too. As long as its not serious we should let them. It’s not like they are going to get married.Also its good to have a crush on someone and Im just saying I say we go for it!
Wow just wow lil’ kids dating at school and texting and getting phones at the age of 9…
Eek! What a scary thing to even think about! The rule in my family is no dating until 16. 🙂 I am hoping she doesn’t want to date until she is 25 though :):)
All of that is ridiculous, we should let our kids date as long as they date other minors as well, and if they’re older who cares, honestly, if they date a 20 year old. We have to control their interactions but we cannot be so strict. As long as they cnsent, are happy and hang out with healthy friends or partners, we’re fine.
I have a 12-year-old girl, and it’s been interesting to see the whole “dating” thing play out. There was a phase in 5th grade (around age 10 and 11) when it seemed like the tween and all her friends were obsessed with boys. It was very short-lived and didn’t seem to involve anything more than saying they were boyfriend and girlfriend. Maybe it’s just the group she hangs out with, but now none of them seem remotely interested in actual boys (Boy bands? That’s a completely different story!).
We don’t have any hard and fast rules in place just because it hasn’t been an issue yet. Like you, I was already dating at this age. This meant we called each other boyfriend and girlfriend, passed notes to each other in school, and saw each other at school functions. Every once in awhile a parent would take us to the movies or the mall. But I also agree that things are different now, with social media as a new factor in the dating game. I think it’s completely normal for them to be interested in the opposite sex as late tweens/early teens. I can’t see us forbidding it completely, as I think that just fuels the fire and can lead to sneaking around. However we’d definitely help our daughter wade into the world of dating by dipping her toes in first and proceeding cautiously. I’d set rules about what could be shared on Instagram, what and how much texting is appropriate, and we’d closely monitor the when and where they see each other outside of school.
And when all that’s said and done, I’m sure I’ll have to talk my husband off a ledge! He’s in total denial about having a daughter that’s nearing the dating age, and he has the added burden of knowing exactly what boys that age are thinking about!
Old. Really, *really* old. That’s how old kids should be before they “date”. I’m just glad I have friends that can go through it first, then tell me every detail I need to know before we’re ready. But my oldest is 10, so … ugh. It won’t be long. And don’t even get me started on social media and tweens. Because, ugh again.