I’m sitting at my computer trying to figure out how to respond to emails that I just don’t feel like working today because I can’t stop crying. The simple answer would be “My father died.” But that’s not really what I want to say.
I don’t want people telling me that they are sorry I lost someone close to me. I didn’t. We weren’t close. I feel guilty for even feeling entitled to shed so many tears when I have friends who have lost REAL dads. Ones they spent Christmas and Father’s Day and birthdays with. Those are the people who get to say “My father died” and have all of the feelings that go along with that.
And yet here I am feeling like my world has been turned upside down. I can’t figure out how I am going to fix the things that I always thought that I would be able to fix WHEN my dad decided to let me back in his life.
That’s the thing. WHEN. Not IF. I never had any doubt that he would call me up someday and say that it was time for us to be father and daughter again. I was just biding my time. I figured enough time would go by that his wife would be okay with the daughter he had when he was too young to be responsible. I figured eventually he would have a desire to see these beautiful granddaughters I gave him. I just knew that someday he would call and the hole in my heart that is him would be filled.
But the crappy thing about life is that people don’t always act the way that we want them to. Apparently he had cancer for quite some time and knew he was dying. But he made a choice not to call. And the rest of the family made a choice not to invite me to the funeral or to include me in the obituary. I’m thankful my grandfather even called to tell me after the fact…although I know it was a hard call for him to make as he tried once again to apologize for his son.
So I sit here trying to do my normal “Tricia thing.” I’m trying to see the silver lining or the upside or the Joy. It’s hard to see those things when you know that one of the things that you have wanted…craved….NEEDED…your whole life is not going to happen. No chance…never again. Did I try hard enough to contact him? Would one more time have convinced him? Why wasn’t I important enough to him to make it happen?
I’ve seen (and been a part of) a number of family estrangements. Some of them were for good reasons and some of them were downright stupid. Some lasted a month and others lasted decades. In the end, no one was ever happy about it. Neither side benefited from it, and most of the time both sides lost from it.
Maybe someday I’ll see my half brothers again. I’ve already reminded my kids how lucky they are to have such a wonderful dad. I talked to my mom and was reminded of how she’s always managed to be at least a parent and a half. I found a couple of old pictures and remembered how cool it was when I did get to meet my father and see how much alike we were. I’m making plans to visit my grandfather again in Pittsburgh the next chance I get.
I guess I’ve already started doing my “Tricia thing” after all. Maybe eventually I’ll find a way to at least hide the hole in my heart that I now know can never be filled.
I can imagine how it took you so much courage sharing it here. Things happen for a reason, so I have to assume it must be for the better. Praying for you and thanking you as well for this.
I love you Trica may God be with you allways.
I’m so sorry, Tricia! I hope you shed the feelings of guilt for feeling entitled to cry and be sad. I think when we lose someone close, we’re sad because we lose the hope, or expectation, of a future with that person. Whether or not you were close to your father, you had envisioned a future with him and grieving the loss of that is real and painful. I’m thinking of you!
I know that was a hard to post to write. It’s hard to be open about family matters, and feel vulnerable. Thinking of you, and that you can possibly still have that silver lining with your grandfather and half-siblings.
BIG {{{HUGS}}} to you Tricia! My father and I were by no means close. He only came to me when he wanted money and threatened suicide if I didn’t give it to him. When he took his life, I cried and cried and cried thinking it was my fault and all the what if’s. My dad has since come to me in my dreams and apologized which has helped me find some peace. I even saw a medium that I was skeptical of until I went to one which helped more.
All I can say is he missed out knowing the great, awesome, lovable Tricia that we all know and love. I’m happy to have met you and be your friend.
Tricia…thank you for sharing this blog. Family can be so messy and hard. I hope it can be some comfort that you are not alone and tons of us have lots of family disappointments! Hugs and Prayers to you!
Thank you for sharing Tricia. I went through the same thing with my father. I always assumed we would fix our relationship. Unfortunately his health issues took over before we could. And even now I feel sad thinking about it. If he had a chance to meet my son would it have been enough to bond? Did I soften enough for him to love me? List goes on.
We can’t fix others but we can heal ourselves.
Sending warm hugs