The Way We Were
Yesterday was a day that I have been dreading for years. I knew it would come eventually, but I was hoping that it would be further away. My older daughter usually walks to the bus stop to get my younger daughter, Cassie, off of the bus in the afternoon. She was, however, at choir practice and so I walked down to the end of the street myself. First a neighbor girl got off, who is about 7. She ran up to her mom and gave her a big hug. Next Cassie got off (who is 9.5) and I walked toward her with my arms outstretched for my hug.
But I didn’t get it.
Instead, she kept walking past me. At first I thought maybe she was just upset about something. So I tried to hug her again. She pulled away a little and said “Mom, don’t hug me anymore!” I wanted to fall over right there in the middle of the street. What happened to my sweet little girl who was always the most affectionate of everyone in my house? The one we gave a special nickname that had to do with kissing because she was always hugging and kissing us? The one who crawled into my bed every morning before school just to cuddle??
I chased her down and asked her why I couldn’t hug her. I was informed that it was “embarrassing” as a 4th grader to have your mom standing there when you got off the bus and even worse to have to hug her in front of everyone. My heart was broken.
I went down this road with my older daughter, but I expected it because she’s always been a little adult, even as a kid. But I wasn’t ready for it with this one. I’m still hoping that she will change her mind and maybe it was just a bad day or she was feeling a little extra independent for some reason. I know it’s not the hugs in general, because both of the girls still hug us before they go to bed. But that day where they no longer want to be hugged in public? That’s one that no mom every wants to arrive.
I’m hoping this is a phase that passes eventually. I’m 37 and hug my mom as soon as I see her and last thing before I say good-bye to her–even when it’s in public.
Elementary school kids live in the moment. There’s a myriad of reasons your daughter didn’t want a hug. It’s possible other kids noticed that her big sister wasn’t there and teased her about the rarity of her Mom showing up. Kids today notice everything and feel at liberty to comment, even when it’s totally inappropriate. It’s possible she’s pissed you don’t regularly collect her from the school bus most of the time. After all, is your older daughter a martial artist who knows how to protect herself & her younger sister from the creeps who drive Hamilton County? Maybe she had a bad day at school. Maybe she’s hungry. Maybe she missed those few minutes alone with her big sister. Perhaps, she just wants to be seen as different from the kid who got hugged by her Mom.
Regardless, while you DO want to show respect to how your child IS feeling and let her know you can respect her boundaries when she asks, YOU are NOT your child’s friend. You’re her parent. Her Mom. Her role model. It is YOUR responsibility as a parent to hug your children regardless of whether or not they want one. It is YOUR job to model their entire life what good parents do,which is hug. I’m in my forties and have five of six older brothers and sisters still living. All my life, we have all received hugs from both parents nearly every time we greet them and always when we depart company. And as siblings we REALLY hug one another during the rare times we see one another. Family gatherings are major hug arrival and departure fests. Regardless, these minute moments BOND the kids and grand kids to a larger family beliefs and relationship ethics. Even my step son when he was a living hell for us, melted when family would insist on hugging him. Many times it was the only hug he got.
Did you consider asking your daughter about her comment during after school snack time? Did you tell her you need some help understanding because you are sure she didn’t mean to risk hurting your feelings. Another approach is to simply say what my mother would say about everything we tried to reject…”you don’t have to want to you just have to do it” because it’s how families express caring. You could also tell her that she didn’t have to receive a hug, but it is YOU who need what my brother made cool with his boys by calling the hug a “squish”. From that point forward they loved to give squishes to anyone.
Bottom line, YOU have to decide what type of tweens, teens and eventually young women you are raising. Girls who feel power in manipulating or rejecting others don’t know how to give welcome, extend hospitality and give EGR– extra grace required. As an educational consultant, I can tell you, little girls can become monsters in the 5th & 6th grade, your daughter needs to know clearly what YOU expect from her in behavior both in the family and outside the family. Well that’s just a man & father’s opinion.
I really appreciate this!! I did talk to her about it and she said that she wants to hug me in private but not in public. I think she is at that age where parents are not “cool” all of a sudden and she is kind of struggling with it because she wants to be like her friends but also has always been really cuddly with me. Interestingly, she did hug a DIFFERENT mom in public the next day! I told her that it hurt my feelings. She did seem to understand that. I don’t want to make her uncomfortable, but I am also not going to back down on hugging her. I’m just going to give her a little space right now and hope that she sees that it doesn’t have to be embarrassing. Maybe we can have some other kind of little sign for in front of other people that would make her more comfortable but also show our connection?
By the way – forgot to add – Love that picture too!!!! So cute!!!
Awwww – I am so sorry…this is one of those hard parts of them growing up. I totally understand – been there and STILL there!! LOL But – they do find other ways to show affection – just NOT in public places. 🙂 I know it’s just a phase, but it still is one of those hard mom moments.
I just went through it more recently with Randy – my squisher son who was Mr. Hug, is now that way too. Ugh!
We will make it through this Tricia!!!! And they will grow out of it. I am the same with my mom and I think it changed when I got older -end of high school and definitely during my college years. I LOVE my MOM!!! 🙂
🙁 Hopefully just a phase.
Awww, sorry to hear that, Tricia. I’ve got 2 boys so I’m sure they’ll hit that mark way sooner than your girls even.
Sending you a virtual hug for comfort. 😉
(((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))
So sorry. For what it’s worth, it really is just a phase. Especially if it’s in her nature to be tactile. The public hugs will return when she’s feeling less self-conscious. Though she probably still really enjoys relating to you with hugs, there’s always the risk of a “mean girl” using that as a reason to tease. And right now, it’s just not worth the risk to her of finding out whether or not it could become teasing ammunition.
Don’t take it personally. Just a part of growing up. Hope this helps!